Loneliness

Why do Christians experiences times of loneliness? Doesn't God promise us that He will never leave us, and never forsake us (Joshua 1:5)?

One of the biggest surprises to many Christians is how often they are plagued with negative emotions - sadness, loneliness, depression and the like. When we first become believers (or re-commit as adults), that initial joy sweeps all our every day problems under a rug. We believe (and feel) that we have a new lease on life. We are told that our 'old' selves are fallen away and all things are 'new' again. And this is true. So we feel that that our 'old' problems should fall away as well. And it's always surprising to find that they all have not conveniently disappeared....

So does this mean you are not really a 'Christian'? Of course not - it just means there is still work to be done. God does not promise that all our problems will mysteriously vanish into the air - but He does promise to be there with us as we work those problems out, one by one. That's why we are reminded in Romans 1:17 that

For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith

In other words, God (and His ways) are revealed to us as our faith grows from one level to the next (faith to faith). And as we grow, we understand more, we can model our lives better after our ultimate example - Jesus Christ, and we are better able to handle life and the internal realm of our own sometimes discordant emotions.

Loneliness is a common problem for us all. God Himself recognized it as a potential problem when he created Eve for Adam. Genesis 2:18 says

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

So how do you deal with loneliness? The same way you deal with everything else - by turning it over to God. It says is Philippians 4:19:

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

I know it is hard to believe that God can truly meet all of our needs. If you are anything like me, you have a lot of needs - some big, some small.

How do you know then that God can meet all your needs? Because He said so. And God is not a man, that He should lie.

Jesus promised us that after he ascended into heaven (after his resurrection), we would receive the ever-abiding presence of the Holy Spirit. In John 14:16, Jesus said

And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;

In other words, now that Jesus would temporarily be removed from our earthly presence, we would have someone else to take his place. And that someone else was the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is often misunderstood. Most people tend to think of the Holy Spirit as a vague, amorphous blob. More like a feeling or a 'presence' than a real person. Well, if you believe that, here's news for you - the Holy Spirit is an individual being. He is the third person of the trinity and has his own distinct presence. Yes, we experience him sometimes as a feeling or as a presence, but He is so much more than that.

He is (as my Pastor often explains) - God with us. He is the part of God that resides within our spirits - who comforts us and teaches us about the Word of God. Who prays with us when we are in need and gives us the words when we lack the right ones. Who is the manifestation of the leading and guidance that God promises us. All that - and he is always with us.

And that is why we are never truly alone.

You can 'run away' from God, but He never willingly leaves you. And He has provided a Comforter to comfort and console you through your darkest hour.

So when you call upon God in the midst of your loneliness, the Holy Spirit is there to undergird and protect you, keep you whole and minister to your pain.

The Holy Spirit (along with friends, family, your mate) is God's antidote to loneliness.

So the next time you feel lonely - let God know what you need. Pray about it and open yourself up to experience the presence and comfort of His Holy Spirit.

And loneliness will soon only be a distant memory.

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Self-Help, Advice, Loneliness

After the Pain

Psalm 30:5 (NIV) For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Why does God send us through so many trials and tribulations? We’ve all heard the stories, the experiences of others, and we’ve been through a few ‘weepy’ nights ourselves. And we all know that these experiences (theoretically at least) are supposed to make us stronger. We are the head and not the tail, we remind ourselves in the midst of our pain. He will never give us more than we can bear, our friends say to comfort us when we are down. No weapon formed against us shall prosper, we whisper hopefully when our marriages, our jobs, or our families seem to be on the verge of falling apart. And this is all supposed to make us stronger?

I’ve wondered about this and I’m sure you have to. Once, in my anger towards God (after a particularly lengthy ‘trial’), I told God exactly why I was upset with Him: He could make this trial go away any time He chose. So, I reasoned with Him, if I was suffering, I was suffering because of Him. And what kind of God was that, I questioned Him? What kind of loving, kind, responsive God would watch me go through this pain and not lift a finger to help me? Yeah, I was the head and not the tail alright – the head of a big, fat mess!

Not the right attitude, of course, but an honest response. And, even if you have not felt this type of anger towards God, haven’t you often wondered why He sends us through what He sends us through? Do you ever stop to think (as I have, many times), that there has to be an easier way to gain maturity, gain strength, learn patience and learn to be long-suffering? He is God, after all – can’t He just magically give us those qualities instead of having us sweat it out for days, months, or in the most painful cases, years?

So there has to be a reason. Why do we go through all our trials and tribulations? For exactly the reasons that we have been led to believe – because God is trying to mature us (James 1: 2-4). Because God wants to rid of us all those qualities that are not like Him (Psalm 66:10). And because He uses our suffering to help us develop Godly characteristics (Romans 5:3-5). The simple truth of the matter is that most of us would not be the loving, kind, patient people we are today had it not been for something we had gone through. We would probably not appreciate God, our families, our friends or the simple joys of life had we not surmounted some obstacle, overcome some temptation or went through the horrors of our own personal trial by fire.

Admit it – you’re a better person today because of a liberal helping of hurt, humiliation, difficult circumstances and stress. And, if you’re not, then consider yourself still in the training process.

There is, however, a benefit to journeying through the bad times. Something that is only hinted at in the Bible when James exhorts us to rejoice in tribulation and Paul talks about the hope that is produced through suffering. There is a sweet recompense for all that we have gone through, all the sleepless, lonely, weeping nights we’ve experienced and a joy that lessens the pain of lost loved ones, battered friendships or bruised egos. I call it After the Pain.

After the Pain is what David talks about in Psalms 30. He reminds us that we may weep for a night, but, hold on, because Joy comes in the morning! Does that mean we only have to endure for one night and then, when the morning comes, things will all be worked out? Only if you are very lucky. That dark ‘night’ can last days, months or even years. The woman who had the issue of blood experienced 11 lonely years of ‘night’. Blind Bartimeus had been blind since ‘birth’ – a entire lifetime of ‘night’. God promised Abraham a son at 86 years old and his night didn’t end until 13 years later! How long will your ‘night’ last? As long as it takes. But, hold on, because Joy comes in the morning!

After the Pain is the sweet rejoicing, the sublime happiness, the wild anticipation you feel when (finally!) this trial has come to an end! You cry tears of joy. You tell all your friends about your breakthrough. You recount the goodness of God. The pain is forgotten. The bad memories go away. And a new season in your life begins.

Even more important than the outward rejoicing, however, is the inner peace that After the Pain brings. Habits you thought would rule you for a lifetime are all of a sudden small cause for concern. Worries that kept you up at night are just vague shadows in your mind. Inner peace, and its companion – contentment – now rule your life. This is your time. This is your season. Enjoy it. And rejoice. Until the next trial begins.

That’s why I believe the writers of the Bible always reminded us to rejoice, to think positively and to turn our cares over to God – in the midst of trials and tribulations. Because they knew (and you are learning) that there is a sweet blessedness, peace and relief that will be yours once this pain has passed. And you will be even better prepared – more patient, more loving, more patient – to face the next trial that will come you way.

So spend as little time as possible muddling in your pain. Keep your thoughts as positive as you are able. Rejoice now and, if you can’t do that, at least say thank you to the One who will bring you through.

Weeping may endure for a night, but…

After the Pain

Joy will come.



Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Self-Help, Advice, Pain

Absolutes and the Bible (Part 2)

It is the same with us who are Believers. The law was given because we did not know right from wrong (we were children). God punished us appropriate to our level of growth and maturity. As we grew, we continued to test our boundaries. Our wrongdoings were punished, but differently than when we were children. The punishment fit the crime and God would allow us to go through various trials and tribulations to help us to understand that there were rules to be followed. We grew older and began to know our own minds. We took what God had given us and tried to apply it to the 'real' world. At many times, the Israelites would get among other groups of people and began to copy their culture and environment - idol worship, unholy practices, and polygamy. And the Israelites would then go through some trial that would help them to realize there were still rules to be followed. Then they returned to worshipping the One True God and honoring the commandments and precepts that God had given them. As the Israelites grew as a people, they learned to go out in the world, yet maintain the values which they had been taught. They learned to hold on to their own identity and impact the world with who they were as opposed to being negatively impacted by the world.

Jesus arrived just as the Jewish people had firmly established their identity. They had divided themselves into various sects and followed long-standing beliefs held by their community. They were 'adults'. And, as adults, Jesus taught them a new doctrine. Not only did they need to follow the laws that were written in their hearts, it was time to go even further with those laws and continue in their spiritual growth. The laws had been given to the Jewish nation so that they might know right from wrong. Now that they clearly knew right from wrong, it was time to talk about the matters of their heart. Yes, the Jewish sects followed the law because they came to understand that was what was expected of them. But only a few had gotten the idea that God wanted the law to be written in their hearts as well and for people to act on those laws almost unthinkingly as it was written in their hearts. And, then, to go to the next level of thinking and behaving. At that point, not only did God not want the Jewish people to not covet what their neighbors had, He also wanted them to actively work at helping that neighbor to maintain his land, his property and his family. Following this line of thinking, Jesus instructed the Israelites to not only treat their neighbors right, but to love everybody else as well. It was no longer enough to know the law, the Jewish people now needed to live it, whole-heartedly.

Also, some 'absolutes' of the Old Testament were given to the Israelites due to the 'hardness of the hearts' as Jesus pointed out in the New Testament. These laws were meant to be followed literally simply to impress upon the Jewish people certain accepted modes of behavior. For example, In the instance of divorce, the Israelites had been given a set of procedures to follow to divorce their wives because, without those rules, the men were simply throwing the women out on the street with no means to support themselves. In the New Testament, Jesus told them there was no justification for divorce except in cases of adultery (and Paul added later, if an unbelieving husband or wife left). Jesus was trying to get the Jewish people to understand that it was now a matter of grace and not a matter of simply following the law. The law could be summarized by two sentiments - love God with all your heart and soul and might and love your neighbor as you loved yourself. Grace meant that it was no longer about simply following rules, it was now about loving God and loving others to the best of your ability. After the coming of Jesus Christ, the laws, and the concepts of grace and love was passed on to the Gentiles as well. So, these laws now apply to everyone who considers himself or herself to be a follower of Jesus Christ.

The law was given so that man might see how far he was from being all that God needed Him to be. The law was given so that we might be aware of how far we were from what God would consider 'holy'. Without the law, we would have been content to follow our own self-serving rules of behavior without ever knowing God's idea of how His people should live.

So are there absolutes for right and wrong? Absolutely. The bible more than anything else holds up an 'ideal' standard for us all to follow. First, in the person of Jesus Christ and then in the commandments and laws given to us in the bible. These laws represent the ideal. God has certain standards of behavior that He follows and that He considers holy. Our ability to follow those laws is intricately connected with our relationship to Him. Without Him, without His grace, without the Love shown to us in the form of Jesus Christ, we would never be able to embody these laws. He has made a way for us to follow these laws, but only through Him. We are incapable, on our own, of keeping his commandments. We are incapable of living 'holy' apart from His providence.

So what are these absolutes? He wants us to love Him absolutely with all that we have. He wants us to absolutely love others as we love ourselves. He has also absolutely provided us with an absolute Savior who has absolutely rolled back our sins and who has absolutely given the ability to follow Him. Is it wrong to treat someone badly? Yes, but we will apart from Jesus Christ. Is it wrong hold discriminatory views against a certain group of people? Yes, but we are incapable of changing our worldview apart from Him. We, as people, have limited powers of reasoning and ability. And those powers have been given to each of us by God, regardless of gender, race or state of salvation. We have innate qualities, but they are finite. God's abilities are infinite. How can we ever hope to achieve His high standards within our own limited resources? Maybe you are 'naturally' a loving person. You can give love to your family and your friends and to the people in your life. But, who do you think can give you the ability to love and pray for an entire country? An entire nation? The whole world? Maybe you are a naturally gifted speaker. You hold motivational seminars across your country, state or region. Maybe you are even internationally known. Jesus was the greatest motivational speaker that ever lived. His fame is known throughout the entire world. There is no way you can reach and ultimately change people's hearts without the assistance of God. Yes, we are glib and we are persuasive, but do you really believe you can continue in the same vein for years on end and really make a difference with only the limited resources of your own strength and power? The power of God is limitless. So, we should absolutely follow His commandments, directives and laws, but only through Him. It may seem impossible to truly love everyone, but it is possible through Him. It may seem unconscionable to suggest that we go the second mile when someone forces us to go the first and to give them our coat as well, but all things are possible with God.

There are certainly standards of right and wrong that, as Christians, we are in agreement upon. There are also hundreds of other points (pre- and post-Rapture Christians, always saved or conditionally saved, etc., etc.) about which we do not agree. How then do we know what is right versus what is wrong? Only in Him. Only through a relationship with Him and His leadership and direction in your life. Only through a relationship with the Holy Spirit in which he teaches you what the bible really means and helps you to apply it to your own life. We can argue and debate the points of the bible until there is no more to be said, but some things will only be made clear through your relationship with God. Trust Him. Let Him guide you. And you will begin to live your life according to what the Lord considers to be His absolutes.


Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Self-Help, Absolutes

Absolutes and the Bible (Part 1)

Are there any such things as absolutes? What does the bible tell us about them? Should we take the 10 commandments and the law literally? Read on, and re-work your understanding about what the Bible has to say about 'Absolutes'.

Who determines what's right and what's wrong? Is there an absolute standard to which we must adhere or is it just all just 'a matter of the heart'?

Who decides what's right and what's wrong? As a Christian, this answer is obvious - the Bible. But does the bible set absolute guidelines for us to follow or is it all just a matter of interpretation? We've all been in arguments with another Christian (though we know we shouldn't) who could find the right bible quote to defend any position he or she took. And, oftentimes, that bible-quoting Christian was us. And while it is great fun to find the perfect scripture to support our right or wrong argument, it doesn't help the cause of definitively interpreting what the bible has to say about a certain topic.

To make a long story short - there are few definite statements made by the bible. The viewpoints most of us hold on certain character or behavioral issues have evolved from a generally shared and accepted understanding of what the bible meant as opposed to what it literally says. And speaking of that 'literal' in literally -the bible has been translated a number of times. In the newer translations, both small and large changes in wording have occurred as compared to the original King James Version. Small changes in translations have resulted in us understanding descriptive language a little better or having a clearer definition of a word. Conversely, some newly translated passages have resulted in our understanding of a particular scripture being entirely changed. As a really quick example, think of the phrase 'be careful for nothing' as it is rendered in the King James Version of Philippians 4:6a. The first time you may have read it, you may have interpreted it as an admonishment to not be careful in all that you did. In the New International Version, it reads 'be anxious for nothing' (emphasis mine). How would you have known that 'careful' in this passage was more rightly translated to 'anxious' unless you looked this word up in a concordance? You wouldn't. So, not only do we have to deal with the scarcity of definitive statements of right and wrong in the bible, we have to accept and agree upon particular scriptures rendered as close to its original meaning as possible. In other words, we have to define what we know and know what we are defining. We have to ensure that we have the most accurate translation of the bible and then generally agree on the meaning of a particular passage or particular topical matter.

Sometimes it seems that the bible says something clearly and then takes pains to show instances in which that same commandment does not apply. Take for instance one of the 10 commandments - 'thou shalt not kill'. Seems pretty simple, right? Don't kill anyone. But then you see a number of instances where God is portrayed as instructing the Israelites to slaughter their enemies. We see David being rewarded for the murder of Goliath. We see Moses escaping punishment for killing an Egyptian overseer. God said don't kill, right? But who did He mean not to kill? Thou shalt not kill other Israelites? Thou shalt not kill other believers? Or thou shalt not kill unless otherwise instructed? If God 'gave' the Israelites the victories in their battles, does that mean He only condones killing in the context of war? Generally speaking, Christians hold the viewpoint that 'thou shalt not kill' means not to kill anyone except in cases of war. So, generally, that's what we all believe. But, of course, there are those who believe that killing in war is wrong and are known as 'conscientious objectors.' Who's right? The bible says 'thou shalt not kill', however, we understand that killing does happen as we see numerous instances of it in the bible. The bible also speaks on adultery and lying as being wrong, but we again see numerous instances of it in the bible, with the perpetrator at times being punished and at times getting off scot-free.

Then, there are other times the bible seems to say one thing about a subject and then become even more extreme on the subject at a later date. Another of the 10 commandments is 'thou shalt not commit adultery'. But in Matthew 5:27, Jesus told a crowd that they had all heard that they should not commit adultery, 'but I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart'. So, not only should you not commit adultery, you shouldn't even look at another person with lust in your heart! You do see instances in the bible of adultery and even of husbands taking second wives, but it is generally agreed upon in the Christian community that having sex with someone other than your spouse is wrong.

The bible is filled with many such examples of seemingly confusing directives, particularly when comparing the Old Testament with the New Testament. The Old Testament will say one thing about getting 'an eye for an eye' and Jesus will turn around and speak about forgiving your enemies and praying for those who mistreat you. The Old Testament is filled with stories of battle and war and the New Testament is filled with directives about forgiveness and living peaceably with others.

So, is there a standard of absolute wrong and absolute right? Of course, but it's not to be found in a list of commandments or directives. It is to be found in the attitude of your heart. In the Old Testament, the Israelites received a list of things to do and things not to do - the 'law'. The reason they were given the law was that they might know the difference between right and wrong. As in the instance of instructing a child, a child will not know it is 'wrong' to run around the house naked until someone tells him it is not appropriate. A child will not know it is 'wrong' to eat 10 cookies for dinner, because he doesn't have the ability to see that a handful of cookies will interfere with the digestion of a healthy dinner which will help him to grow up and become to be a strong young man. A child thinks as a child and is not able to formulate his thoughts as he will be once he has grown up.

This is how God initially dealt with the Israelites. He dealt with them as children. His children, but children nonetheless. What is the first thing you say to a child when he does something of which you don't approve? No. You keep your words plain and simple and easy for that child to understand. You punish where punishment is needed and you stick firm to not allowing that child to do certain things. As the child gets older, you allow him more freedom. He has learned the basics, understands that it is wrong to punch his sister when he can't get his way and that it is right to share his toys with others. The good behavior has been noted and rewarded and he anticipates happier times as he follows these simple directives. Through adolescence, the child is continuing to grow in understanding, going through periods of rebellion and trying to make out his own way in the world. It is a confusing time for the child as he struggles to incorporate his parent's worldview with the worldview of his peers. Stick to how he was raised or try to fit in with the crowd? He might try to do something he knows will not be approved of at home - staying out all night with the car. The punishment has changed in that he will not be spanked on the bottom or sent to 'time out', but he still receives punishment appropriate to his age and the circumstances surrounding the incident. Instead of taking away his favorite toy, his parents ground him for a week and refuse to allow him to watch television for that time. Again, the punishment fits the crime and brings the child back to the realization that there are rules to be followed. The child becomes a young adult and leaves the home. There, in the 'real' world, he begins to test his own boundaries. He learns that society punishes many of the same things his parents did - laziness, violence, taking the property of others. He learns that there are culturally acceptable methods and modes of behaviors and begins to model himself after those rules. As he gets older, he realizes the purpose of his parent's rules - to teach him the difference between right and wrong. He realizes those rules have equipped him to deal with the real world and that he can take those values and apply them to his every day life. He no longer needs his parent to monitor him and say 'no' - the rules are now written in his heart and mind. He has incorporated his parent's values with his own and, hopefully, goes even further in perpetuating the cycle of learning and growth.


Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Self-Help, Bible

The Hazards of Unsolicited Advice

Is there anything worse than getting advice that you were not looking for? Is there anything worse than when some know-it-all not only forces you to listen to his or her unsolicited advice, but then becomes offended when you don't take it? Why do people offer us unasked for opinions, advice and the like? Or, more to the point, why do we do it to other people?

Maybe those who freely offer up bits of wisdom just can't seem to help themselves. It must be hard to keep quiet when you think you have just the right answer or a similar situation that you just know would greatly help someone else out. And isn't that what most people say when their advice is rejected - that they were only trying to help? Right.

Giving unsolicited advice does not usually help. For one thing, it is rarely, if ever, appreciated. No one ever says, 'gee, I'm so glad my boss took it upon herself to recommend I wear longer skirts.' No one's life is ever changed by someone telling them their hairstyle is old-fashioned or to buy an American car instead of a foreign car. Unsolicited advice usually gets one response and one response only - annoyance. At the advice giver! The annoyance is usually preceded by thoughts like, who does he think he is? Who died and left her boss? Why is he bothering me? And a mental litany of pleas to please, please, please leave that person alone.


For those repeat offenders, I offer my own unsolicited advice - stop! Unless God has given you a divine command to intervene in someone's life, don't! If you find yourself leading with statements like 'you need to...' or 'if I were you, I'd...', you are headed in the wrong direction. The person you are talking to needs to do no such thing, that person is not you and believe me, don't want to be because then he or she would be the person everyone else avoids because of their unwanted advice. Here's a reality check: you are not Ann Landers or Dear Abby or even Russ Parr in the morning. Yes, you may have a divine gift of insight and wisdom, but, unless a person is prepared to accept not only your authority but also your nose in his or her business, that person is not interested in what God has 'told' you. So, please - keep it to yourself.

I know you probably think you offer advice to other people because you sincerely want to help. But, be truthful with yourself - how many times have you given advice for that reason? Doesn't it more than likely indicate a lack of self-control or lack of validation on your own part that prompts you to seek the immediate gratification of being heard? But don't feel bad - you can help people. Just not the way you're going about it.

Here's a much better way to influence people - be the person you are always advising other people to be. Keep your appearance neat and be well-groomed, eat at nice restaurants, pray daily, be kind to small children and animals, call your mother at least once a week. And then people will seek you out to find out what your secret is. You won't have to speak so loudly to be heard, your life will speak for itself. Be a success at what you're good at. Then, you will no longer have to give a long discourse on how you would handle the problem or an in-depth discussion of how someone going through a similar divorce is handling the situation.

Here are some other good tips: Listen. Empathize. Be the friend to them that you'd like for to have if you were the person with the problem. Let your friend talk as long as he or she likes without giving that person the benefit of your opinion, your insights or your thoughts, unless they ask. In that case, give advice sparingly. One 'I think you should...' or 'this might work for you...' is enough. See how much advice your friend really wants before you give him or her the full report. Throw out some test questions like, 'would you like to know what I think?' And if your friend says no or seem hesitant, leave it alone. Have you ever noticed that most people seem to really just want someone to listen to thir problems as opposed to receiving a whole slew of advice. Practice nodding and saying 'hm-hmm' encouragingly. It'll get you a lot further and you will be more valued as a friend and commended as someone who knows the appropriate thing to say at the appropriate time.

And, always, always, always pray for your friends. Talk to God about what is going in their lives. Ask Him to show them His wisdom or His way. Ask Him to give them strength and guidance in their times of need. He may even make them more receptive to giving them advice or He may choose to enlighten them some other way. In either case, your job is to petition the Lord on their behalf. Let God lead on this one and you take the passenger seat.

And, if you truly happen to be one of those people who gives great advice, there's always hope for you! Start an advice column or write a book! There are a million people out there who could use good, sound advice. Share your gifts with others. Encourage others and help them to bring out the best in themselves! You will be much more appreciated once people recognize the value of your advice for themselves. Trust me.


Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Self-Help, Advice