The Hazards of Unsolicited Advice

Is there anything worse than getting advice that you were not looking for? Is there anything worse than when some know-it-all not only forces you to listen to his or her unsolicited advice, but then becomes offended when you don't take it? Why do people offer us unasked for opinions, advice and the like? Or, more to the point, why do we do it to other people?

Maybe those who freely offer up bits of wisdom just can't seem to help themselves. It must be hard to keep quiet when you think you have just the right answer or a similar situation that you just know would greatly help someone else out. And isn't that what most people say when their advice is rejected - that they were only trying to help? Right.

Giving unsolicited advice does not usually help. For one thing, it is rarely, if ever, appreciated. No one ever says, 'gee, I'm so glad my boss took it upon herself to recommend I wear longer skirts.' No one's life is ever changed by someone telling them their hairstyle is old-fashioned or to buy an American car instead of a foreign car. Unsolicited advice usually gets one response and one response only - annoyance. At the advice giver! The annoyance is usually preceded by thoughts like, who does he think he is? Who died and left her boss? Why is he bothering me? And a mental litany of pleas to please, please, please leave that person alone.


For those repeat offenders, I offer my own unsolicited advice - stop! Unless God has given you a divine command to intervene in someone's life, don't! If you find yourself leading with statements like 'you need to...' or 'if I were you, I'd...', you are headed in the wrong direction. The person you are talking to needs to do no such thing, that person is not you and believe me, don't want to be because then he or she would be the person everyone else avoids because of their unwanted advice. Here's a reality check: you are not Ann Landers or Dear Abby or even Russ Parr in the morning. Yes, you may have a divine gift of insight and wisdom, but, unless a person is prepared to accept not only your authority but also your nose in his or her business, that person is not interested in what God has 'told' you. So, please - keep it to yourself.

I know you probably think you offer advice to other people because you sincerely want to help. But, be truthful with yourself - how many times have you given advice for that reason? Doesn't it more than likely indicate a lack of self-control or lack of validation on your own part that prompts you to seek the immediate gratification of being heard? But don't feel bad - you can help people. Just not the way you're going about it.

Here's a much better way to influence people - be the person you are always advising other people to be. Keep your appearance neat and be well-groomed, eat at nice restaurants, pray daily, be kind to small children and animals, call your mother at least once a week. And then people will seek you out to find out what your secret is. You won't have to speak so loudly to be heard, your life will speak for itself. Be a success at what you're good at. Then, you will no longer have to give a long discourse on how you would handle the problem or an in-depth discussion of how someone going through a similar divorce is handling the situation.

Here are some other good tips: Listen. Empathize. Be the friend to them that you'd like for to have if you were the person with the problem. Let your friend talk as long as he or she likes without giving that person the benefit of your opinion, your insights or your thoughts, unless they ask. In that case, give advice sparingly. One 'I think you should...' or 'this might work for you...' is enough. See how much advice your friend really wants before you give him or her the full report. Throw out some test questions like, 'would you like to know what I think?' And if your friend says no or seem hesitant, leave it alone. Have you ever noticed that most people seem to really just want someone to listen to thir problems as opposed to receiving a whole slew of advice. Practice nodding and saying 'hm-hmm' encouragingly. It'll get you a lot further and you will be more valued as a friend and commended as someone who knows the appropriate thing to say at the appropriate time.

And, always, always, always pray for your friends. Talk to God about what is going in their lives. Ask Him to show them His wisdom or His way. Ask Him to give them strength and guidance in their times of need. He may even make them more receptive to giving them advice or He may choose to enlighten them some other way. In either case, your job is to petition the Lord on their behalf. Let God lead on this one and you take the passenger seat.

And, if you truly happen to be one of those people who gives great advice, there's always hope for you! Start an advice column or write a book! There are a million people out there who could use good, sound advice. Share your gifts with others. Encourage others and help them to bring out the best in themselves! You will be much more appreciated once people recognize the value of your advice for themselves. Trust me.


Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Self-Help, Advice