12/25/06

How Can I Be Changed? (Part 2)

Prayer/Fasting

Now for Part 2 of our How Can I Be Changed Series. In Part 1, we explored the first steps necessary to make a true change, which are reflected by our own personal attitudes. In order to change, we have to be 1. Willing; 2. Able and 3. Submitted to God. After making sure our hearts and minds are up to this task, we can move on to the next step:

1. Prayer and Fasting

No one said this would be easy. As mentioned in the previous article, Jesus clearly told us that some conditions are only healed through prayer and fasting. Your true change REQUIRES prayer and fasting.

Here's how to make it easier: think of God as your Therapist. Someone who is willing to give you His undivided attention. Someone who is willing to listen to you 24 hours a day. It doesn't matter how long ago something happened or how insignificant it appears to anyone else - He's interesting in hearing all about it.

Once you begin to see the availability and access offered by God, it will become easier to spend time with Him in prayer. So many times we approach prayer as a ritualistic, unwanted task instead of the heart-to-heart fellowship it could be. God is not only our Lord, but also our Comforter. Talk to Him. He wants to listen.

Re-live with Him the things that are bothering you. Spend time with Him as you begin to explore deeper what happened, why you think it is such a big deal and even begin to dig deeper into the origin of this type of pain in your life. Why do you think this bothers you so much? When was the first time you felt this type of pain? Journal if you need to or take a break to re-order your mind.

You may hit a blank wall initially, but you'll be surprised at the old experiences that will come up and remind you of why you are so self-conscious (you were teased as a child) or why you can never get a date (you felt rejected in your early years). And - most importantly - instead of running away from this memory, re-live it. Remember once and for all why this hurt so much. Recall what was said to you and what you did or said in response. Cry if you need to. Laugh if it's appropriate. But face it - honestly, openly, without condemning yourself for your response or allowing your hurt or embarrassment (or humiliation) to overwhelm you. Ask God to show you how that experience shaped you. Think deeper to see what you've learned from that experience. Acknowledge that it happened, but that you don't have to accept its negative outcome. Remind yourself that you are no longer that person. That the other person no longer has any power over you. That you are still free to be the whole, healthy person you deserve to be. And that they or that event don't have the right to impact who you are today. And prepare to be free of it.

This process may take a little time (and you may find a whole host of 'incidents' to re-live). That's okay. You've got time. You want this to be behind you, right?

Also, feel free to engage a professional to help you. Find a local psychologist or psychiatrist through the yellow pages or through your local church. Or, if you can't afford to pay someone, find a counselor at your church or a support group of some type. You might also find that an online community can provide you with the emotional support you need.

During this time of 're-living', you will also need to fast. Why? Because you will need help getting delivered of some things and many of those things can only accessed after you spend time fasting. Don't make it too complicated - in this case, fasting is primarily a way for God to reach you and for you to hear Him. Food and the cares of life are so consuming in and of themselves, that you will need to put those things aside for short periods of times to focus on what God may be saying to you. Try to make your life as distraction-free as possible and devote some time to quiet time, meditation and solitude. If you've never fasted or spent time in meditation, now is a good time to start!

Most importantly - don't rush this process! It takes as long as it takes. You may have a period of time where you will spend a few hours or a few days thinking things through. And it may be another year or two before you discover new things that need to be addressed. Just go with it. Don't resist those feelings and don't run away. This is very important to your healing process.

After acknowledging the things that are bothering, re-living those root experiences, spending time with God through prayer and fasting and hearing what God has to say about those experiences, you are ready for the final step in this process: letting go. How do you let go? For me, it's easiest for me to visualize that problem dissolving into a whirlwind and being whisked away from me. I watch it disintegrate piece by piece and lose its shape, form, and ability to impact me. You can also 'let go' by verbally telling God that this problem is no longer yours - you are releasing it to Him and will not worry about it any longer. But easier said than done, right? But it is possible.

Ultimately, letting it go means that you will no longer puzzle over it, try to figure it out, or continue to re-live that incident over and over. It also means no longer talking about it (or, at least, not so much), and - most importantly - not allowing it to influence your thoughts or actions any longer. BUT YOU CAN ONLY GET TO THIS STAGE AFTER YOU'VE FULLY DEALT WITH IT. By praying about it, exploring it and resolving and being delivered of any outstanding pain or emotions associated with it. Otherwise, you won't ever be able to let it go.

Next time, we'll talk about the restoration process.

Be Blessed!



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10/22/06

How Can I Be Changed? Part I

How can you really be changed? What will it take to experience that leap in spiritual growth you've been seeking? What steps can you take to change your mind, your 'flesh' and your spirit?

The Bible is replete with ideas about change, transformation, renewal and restoration. We see a number of people who start out one way, and become emotionally, mentally or spiritually changed. Not to mention the physical and emotional healings that took place.

So how can you harness that transformation energy for yourself? Change involves three components: 1. Willingness; 2. Ability and 3. Submission. Let's explore those three ideas in more detail:

Willingness

Remember when Jesus saw the lame man who was lying by the pool in Bethesda? The first question Jesus asked him was "Do you want to be healed" (John 5:6 CEV). You know why Jesus asked him that question? Because in order to receive what you need from God, you have to be willing. God can do every miracle conceivable - but not in the face of your disbelief or stubbornness. Jesus clearly tells you in Matthew 7:7 (CEV) to "Ask, and you will receive." It seems so simple, this whole willingness thing, but it isn't. First, we have to tell God that we give Him our permission to do what He needs to do. Then we have to ask. Ask. And we have to ask for the right reasons. James tells us in James 4:3 (KJV) "Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts." In other words, we ask for things for the wrong reasons so that we can use those things for our own selfish needs. So, if you are seeking to change for any reason other than you want to be a true woman or man of God, then you need not ask. God can read the desires of your heart and He knows when you ask something for the wrong reasons. Don't put God in the position of having to answer your selfish prayers. But - if you are truly willing to change to please God - then read on as we explore the second component of change:

Ability

Here's a secret of the Christian faith - not all problems disappear overnight. And not all sins are overcome immediately after becoming a Christian. Some issues remain around for a long, long time. You will find after being a Christian any length of time that willpower alone isn't always enough to stop yourself from drinking, sleeping around or to prevent your thinking hateful thoughts. As much as you struggle with those things, you can't seem to be delivered of them. In Matthew 17, the disciples attempted to cure an epileptic child and could not. Jesus came out, cured the boy and the disciples then came to question him.
Matthew 17:19 Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, Why could not we cast it out? 20 And he saith unto them, Because of your little faith: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. 21 But this kind goeth not out save by prayer and fasting.(ASV)
In other words, some things will not leave you unless you diligently fast and pray.

A last thought about Ability - you will not be capable of something you have never attempted before. Think about it: if you were preparing to run a marathon, would you be able to run it next week? Unless you've spent weeks or months increasing your pace and running on a regular basis - the answer is no. The same thing with being able to let go of a sin - have you 'practiced' letting it go? Or are you still engaged full-time with that problem or circumstance? Willpower will not be enough. You will need the full protection and strength of God to get you through what you will soon face. But you can certainly 'help' the process by 'practicing.' 'Practice' praying more often and fasting for short periods of time. 'Practice' studying the Bible, engaging in meditation and solitude to prepare you for the time you will spend with God. And, finally, 'practice' finding other things to do with your time (as opposed to reaching out to that sinful or useless activity). Look around and see what else life has to offer. Plan to spend more time doing those things. Make sure you 'practice' in preparation for the challenges that will soon come.

And now the final component of change:

Submission

You will never change unless you submit yourself to God. That means listening to Him and obeying the guidance of His Holy Spirit. Here are two verses of scripture to reflect on as you prepare for your change:
James 4:7 Surrender to God! Resist the devil, and he will run from you. 8 Come near to God, and he will come near to you. Clean up your lives, you sinners. Purify your hearts, you people who can't make up your mind. 9 Be sad and sorry and weep. Stop laughing and start crying. Be gloomy instead of glad. 10 Be humble in the Lord's presence, and he will honor you (CEV)

Romans 8:5 People who are ruled by their desires think only of themselves. Everyone who is ruled by the Holy Spirit thinks about spiritual things. 6 If our minds are ruled by our desires, we will die. But if our minds are ruled by the Spirit, we will have life and peace.
7 Our desires fight against God, because they do not and cannot obey God's laws. 8 If we follow our desires, we cannot please God.
9a You are no longer ruled by your desires, but by God's Spirit, who lives in you. (CEV)
What should you take away from these verses? The knowledge that you will only have the ability to resist by submitting yourself to God. You don't have what it takes to overcome by yourself - as you become closer to God, He will become closer to you. He will then help you get through anything you will encounter. Also,you should take away the idea that you will be transformed into a person who is now led by the Holy Spirit. That is the plain and simple meaning of the word 'spiritual.' This means, however, that you will no longer be free to pursue your own desires. You will now now pursue God's desires so that you can please Him. That will be a huge step for you, so contemplate now what that will mean for you.

Reflect on these scriptures and on the new man or woman of God you would like to be. In my next post, I will give you some practical tips and helpful advice to guide you through your great change.



CEV - Contemporary English Version Bible
ASV - American Standard Version Bible
KJV - King James Version Bible

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7/23/06

Confronting Your Emotions

I've spoken a lot on these posts about how to handle conflict and confrontation. And, though those things are sometimes unavoidable, I think it is usually best to approach them with caution, self-control and kindness.

There is one time, however, when I think confrontation should be brutal, painful and unrelenting. And that's when it comes to confronting your own emotions.

Emotions.

There is one consistent thing about emotions - they are always changing! You can wake up one day and think the world is great! A half hour later, after you have failed to locate a clean suit, found your toothpaste has run out and are well on your way to being late for work, you think - life sucks! What's changed? Just your emotions.

But it's not these every day emotions I want to talk about today. The emotions I want to focus on are much more subtle. They only show up when something else is bothering you, so it's sometimes hard to pin them down. Let me give you an example. You know how, when your boss upsets you by micromanaging you and you start to get that helpless, angry feeling in response? You think your boss is just a jerk - but what you don't realize is that the emotions you were actually experiencing - anger, helplessness and frustration - were really a holdover from when your father used to yell at you when you were a kid.

And remember when your friend made you angry by sharing your personal information with another friend of yours? You think your friend is just disloyal, but you don't realize you are reliving your high school experiences, when you were the object of ridicule and scorn.

The emotions I'm talking about are directly related to why you react to things the way you do. And, if you find yourself particularly reacting to a word, an event or a certain type of behavior, those are big clues that you have unresolved issues in those areas.

One of the books on my sidebar, 'Healing the Child Within', is really good at helping people deal with unresolved emotional issues. One thing the author said that resonated with me is that emotions don't correspond to a certain timeframe. In other words, if something painful happened to you 10 years ago and you never dealt with it, the remembered pain is just as fresh today as it was then. Try thinking about something like that now - see how those remembered feelings of hurt, embarassment, humiliation or betrayal are still right underneath the surface of your everyday emotions. Waiting for you. Causing you to overreact to certain stimuli. Haunting you. Weighing you down. Determining how you feel about yourself, choosing people as friends that often remind you of this pain, possibly keeping you from finding love.

And, to deal with these emotions, confrontation is key.

You don't want to be a person who is ruled by emotions. The Bible says we walk by faith and not by sight. In other words, we live our lives according to what is in us, not what is around us. And that includes what people say to you, how you have been hurt in the past and your own possible negative thinking as a result of these bad experiences.

You want to be in control of your emotions, not the other way around. And the only way to do this is to confront those demons. Every time you get angry over a co-worker's thoughtless words, hold unforgiveness because of something your spouse did or said, you need to take time to directly confront those emotions that have caused you to respond that way.

And how do you do that? By finding a quiet place. By recalling in your mind exactly what happened to make you feel the way you do. And then going deeper. Focusing in on the moment your feelings took a nosedive. What were you feeling? What did that feeling remind you of? Or, more specifically, who or what incident did that pain recall to your mind?

Pay attention to what your emotions are telling you - no matter how painful it may be. And pain is good in this case, because it will point you directly to what is the true source of your dilemma. If you need to re-think about sexual molestation that took place in your life, acknowledge the source of that pain. Do what you need to do to deal with it and completely exorcise it from your thinking. Pray diligently as you relive those moments. God will definitely be there to comfort you. But it's also okay to seek counseling. Find a good therapist. Or find a wise counselor at church. You don't have to go through this alone. But you definitely have to go through it - if you want to come out a whole, healthy person on the other side.

Cry if you need to - as long as you want. Write letters to that person who hurt you. Tell that person exactly how he or she hurt you. Talk to trusted friends or spiritual advisors. Confront that person in your mind. Have a conversation with him or her and say everything you've always wanted to say. Do whatever you have to do until you have exhausted your anger and pain about it all. And that will be your sign that it is finally over. When you no longer feel pain, anger, frustration or humiliation when you think about that person, those words or those incidents. It is over. Take a deep breath and sigh in relief. You can now completely let it go.

Symbolically release that incident or those words from your psyche. Write letters, hold a healing ceremony or go out to celebrate with your friends. Picture those things being laid to rest in in miniature gravesites or figuratively separating themselves from the heart of your emotions. Whatever seems right to you. It may seem corny or like overkill, but I believe our mind and emotions truly respond to signals that a certain event has passed. That we are free to move on. That a new era has begun in our lives. Yes - negative things happened - and nothing can change that. But those events or words don't have to impact every day of the rest of your life. They don't have the right to steal your joy, disturb your peace or make you feel less than valuable about yourself. Celebrate your freedom.

Negative emotional responses (and their causes) have to go. And it is up to you to have the courage and determination to put them out of your life. It won't be easy and it won't be fast. It may take days, months or years. But you can win this battle if you persevere. And allow God to assist you every step of the way. That's what it's going to take - confrontation, determination, perseverance and God's assistance. And don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. That's what counselors and spiritual advisors are for.

So, confront those emotions that are haunting you in your life. Be brave and be determined as you put all those negative experiences behind you. And experience life the way Jesus promised we all could - abdundantly - as you live your life in a fresh, new and exciting way!

Be Blessed.

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6/19/06

Loneliness

Why do Christians experiences times of loneliness? Doesn't God promise us that He will never leave us, and never forsake us (Joshua 1:5)?

One of the biggest surprises to many Christians is how often they are plagued with negative emotions - sadness, loneliness, depression and the like. When we first become believers (or re-commit as adults), that initial joy sweeps all our every day problems under a rug. We believe (and feel) that we have a new lease on life. We are told that our 'old' selves are fallen away and all things are 'new' again. And this is true. So we feel that that our 'old' problems should fall away as well. And it's always surprising to find that they all have not conveniently disappeared....

So does this mean you are not really a 'Christian'? Of course not - it just means there is still work to be done. God does not promise that all our problems will mysteriously vanish into the air - but He does promise to be there with us as we work those problems out, one by one. That's why we are reminded in Romans 1:17 that
For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith


In other words, God (and His ways) are revealed to us as our faith grows from one level to the next (faith to faith). And as we grow, we understand more, we can model our lives better after our ultimate example - Jesus Christ, and we are better able to handle life and the internal realm of our own sometimes discordant emotions.

Loneliness is a common problem for us all. God Himself recognized it as a potential problem when he created Eve for Adam. Genesis 2:18 says
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.


So how do you deal with loneliness? The same way you deal with everything else - by turning it over to God. It says is Philippians 4:19:
But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.


I know it is hard to believe that God can truly meet all of our needs. If you are anything like me, you have a lot of needs - some big, some small.

How do you know then that God can meet all your needs? Because He said so. And God is not a man, that He should lie.

Jesus promised us that after he ascended into heaven (after his resurrection), we would receive the ever-abiding presence of the Holy Spirit. In John 14:16, Jesus said
And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;


In other words, now that Jesus would temporarily be removed from our earthly presence, we would have someone else to take his place. And that someone else was the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is often misunderstood. Most people tend to think of the Holy Spirit as a vague, amorphous blob. More like a feeling or a 'presence' than a real person. Well, if you believe that, here's news for you - the Holy Spirit is an individual being. He is the third person of the trinity and has his own distinct presence. Yes, we experience him sometimes as a feeling or as a presence, but He is so much more than that.

He is (as my Pastor often explains) - God with us. He is the part of God that resides within our spirits - who comforts us and teaches us about the Word of God. Who prays with us when we are in need and gives us the words when we lack the right ones. Who is the manifestation of the leading and guidance that God promises us. All that - and he is always with us.

And that is why we are never truly alone.

You can 'run away' from God, but He never willingly leaves you. And He has provided a Comforter to comfort and console you through your darkest hour.

So when you call upon God in the midst of your loneliness, the Holy Spirit is there to undergird and protect you, keep you whole and minister to your pain.

The Holy Spirit (along with friends, family, your mate) is God's antidote to loneliness.

So the next time you feel lonely - let God know what you need. Pray about it and open yourself up to experience the presence and comfort of His Holy Spirit.

And loneliness will soon only be a distant memory.

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6/16/06

After the Pain

Psalm 30:5 (NIV) For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Why does God send us through so many trials and tribulations? We’ve all heard the stories, the experiences of others, and we’ve been through a few ‘weepy’ nights ourselves. And we all know that these experiences (theoretically at least) are supposed to make us stronger. We are the head and not the tail, we remind ourselves in the midst of our pain. He will never give us more than we can bear, our friends say to comfort us when we are down. No weapon formed against us shall prosper, we whisper hopefully when our marriages, our jobs, or our families seem to be on the verge of falling apart. And this is all supposed to make us stronger?

I’ve wondered about this and I’m sure you have to. Once, in my anger towards God (after a particularly lengthy ‘trial’), I told God exactly why I was upset with Him: He could make this trial go away any time He chose. So, I reasoned with Him, if I was suffering, I was suffering because of Him. And what kind of God was that, I questioned Him? What kind of loving, kind, responsive God would watch me go through this pain and not lift a finger to help me? Yeah, I was the head and not the tail alright – the head of a big, fat mess!

Not the right attitude, of course, but an honest response. And, even if you have not felt this type of anger towards God, haven’t you often wondered why He sends us through what He sends us through? Do you ever stop to think (as I have, many times), that there has to be an easier way to gain maturity, gain strength, learn patience and learn to be long-suffering? He is God, after all – can’t He just magically give us those qualities instead of having us sweat it out for days, months, or in the most painful cases, years?

So there has to be a reason. Why do we go through all our trials and tribulations? For exactly the reasons that we have been led to believe – because God is trying to mature us (James 1: 2-4). Because God wants to rid of us all those qualities that are not like Him (Psalm 66:10). And because He uses our suffering to help us develop Godly characteristics (Romans 5:3-5). The simple truth of the matter is that most of us would not be the loving, kind, patient people we are today had it not been for something we had gone through. We would probably not appreciate God, our families, our friends or the simple joys of life had we not surmounted some obstacle, overcome some temptation or went through the horrors of our own personal trial by fire.

Admit it – you’re a better person today because of a liberal helping of hurt, humiliation, difficult circumstances and stress. And, if you’re not, then consider yourself still in the training process.

There is, however, a benefit to journeying through the bad times. Something that is only hinted at in the Bible when James exhorts us to rejoice in tribulation and Paul talks about the hope that is produced through suffering. There is a sweet recompense for all that we have gone through, all the sleepless, lonely, weeping nights we’ve experienced and a joy that lessens the pain of lost loved ones, battered friendships or bruised egos. I call it After the Pain.

After the Pain is what David talks about in Psalms 30. He reminds us that we may weep for a night, but, hold on, because Joy comes in the morning! Does that mean we only have to endure for one night and then, when the morning comes, things will all be worked out? Only if you are very lucky. That dark ‘night’ can last days, months or even years. The woman who had the issue of blood experienced 11 lonely years of ‘night’. Blind Bartimeus had been blind since ‘birth’ – a entire lifetime of ‘night’. God promised Abraham a son at 86 years old and his night didn’t end until 13 years later! How long will your ‘night’ last? As long as it takes. But, hold on, because Joy comes in the morning!

After the Pain is the sweet rejoicing, the sublime happiness, the wild anticipation you feel when (finally!) this trial has come to an end! You cry tears of joy. You tell all your friends about your breakthrough. You recount the goodness of God. The pain is forgotten. The bad memories go away. And a new season in your life begins.

Even more important than the outward rejoicing, however, is the inner peace that After the Pain brings. Habits you thought would rule you for a lifetime are all of a sudden small cause for concern. Worries that kept you up at night are just vague shadows in your mind. Inner peace, and its companion – contentment – now rule your life. This is your time. This is your season. Enjoy it. And rejoice. Until the next trial begins.

That’s why I believe the writers of the Bible always reminded us to rejoice, to think positively and to turn our cares over to God – in the midst of trials and tribulations. Because they knew (and you are learning) that there is a sweet blessedness, peace and relief that will be yours once this pain has passed. And you will be even better prepared – more patient, more loving, more patient – to face the next trial that will come you way.

So spend as little time as possible muddling in your pain. Keep your thoughts as positive as you are able. Rejoice now and, if you can’t do that, at least say thank you to the One who will bring you through.

Weeping may endure for a night, but…

After the Pain

Joy will come.



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6/10/06

Absolutes and the Bible (Part 2)

It is the same with us who are Believers. The law was given because we did not know right from wrong (we were children). God punished us appropriate to our level of growth and maturity. As we grew, we continued to test our boundaries. Our wrongdoings were punished, but differently than when we were children. The punishment fit the crime and God would allow us to go through various trials and tribulations to help us to understand that there were rules to be followed. We grew older and began to know our own minds. We took what God had given us and tried to apply it to the 'real' world. At many times, the Israelites would get among other groups of people and began to copy their culture and environment - idol worship, unholy practices, and polygamy. And the Israelites would then go through some trial that would help them to realize there were still rules to be followed. Then they returned to worshipping the One True God and honoring the commandments and precepts that God had given them. As the Israelites grew as a people, they learned to go out in the world, yet maintain the values which they had been taught. They learned to hold on to their own identity and impact the world with who they were as opposed to being negatively impacted by the world.

Jesus arrived just as the Jewish people had firmly established their identity. They had divided themselves into various sects and followed long-standing beliefs held by their community. They were 'adults'. And, as adults, Jesus taught them a new doctrine. Not only did they need to follow the laws that were written in their hearts, it was time to go even further with those laws and continue in their spiritual growth. The laws had been given to the Jewish nation so that they might know right from wrong. Now that they clearly knew right from wrong, it was time to talk about the matters of their heart. Yes, the Jewish sects followed the law because they came to understand that was what was expected of them. But only a few had gotten the idea that God wanted the law to be written in their hearts as well and for people to act on those laws almost unthinkingly as it was written in their hearts. And, then, to go to the next level of thinking and behaving. At that point, not only did God not want the Jewish people to not covet what their neighbors had, He also wanted them to actively work at helping that neighbor to maintain his land, his property and his family. Following this line of thinking, Jesus instructed the Israelites to not only treat their neighbors right, but to love everybody else as well. It was no longer enough to know the law, the Jewish people now needed to live it, whole-heartedly.

Also, some 'absolutes' of the Old Testament were given to the Israelites due to the 'hardness of the hearts' as Jesus pointed out in the New Testament. These laws were meant to be followed literally simply to impress upon the Jewish people certain accepted modes of behavior. For example, In the instance of divorce, the Israelites had been given a set of procedures to follow to divorce their wives because, without those rules, the men were simply throwing the women out on the street with no means to support themselves. In the New Testament, Jesus told them there was no justification for divorce except in cases of adultery (and Paul added later, if an unbelieving husband or wife left). Jesus was trying to get the Jewish people to understand that it was now a matter of grace and not a matter of simply following the law. The law could be summarized by two sentiments - love God with all your heart and soul and might and love your neighbor as you loved yourself. Grace meant that it was no longer about simply following rules, it was now about loving God and loving others to the best of your ability. After the coming of Jesus Christ, the laws, and the concepts of grace and love was passed on to the Gentiles as well. So, these laws now apply to everyone who considers himself or herself to be a follower of Jesus Christ.

The law was given so that man might see how far he was from being all that God needed Him to be. The law was given so that we might be aware of how far we were from what God would consider 'holy'. Without the law, we would have been content to follow our own self-serving rules of behavior without ever knowing God's idea of how His people should live.

So are there absolutes for right and wrong? Absolutely. The bible more than anything else holds up an 'ideal' standard for us all to follow. First, in the person of Jesus Christ and then in the commandments and laws given to us in the bible. These laws represent the ideal. God has certain standards of behavior that He follows and that He considers holy. Our ability to follow those laws is intricately connected with our relationship to Him. Without Him, without His grace, without the Love shown to us in the form of Jesus Christ, we would never be able to embody these laws. He has made a way for us to follow these laws, but only through Him. We are incapable, on our own, of keeping his commandments. We are incapable of living 'holy' apart from His providence.

So what are these absolutes? He wants us to love Him absolutely with all that we have. He wants us to absolutely love others as we love ourselves. He has also absolutely provided us with an absolute Savior who has absolutely rolled back our sins and who has absolutely given the ability to follow Him. Is it wrong to treat someone badly? Yes, but we will apart from Jesus Christ. Is it wrong hold discriminatory views against a certain group of people? Yes, but we are incapable of changing our worldview apart from Him. We, as people, have limited powers of reasoning and ability. And those powers have been given to each of us by God, regardless of gender, race or state of salvation. We have innate qualities, but they are finite. God's abilities are infinite. How can we ever hope to achieve His high standards within our own limited resources? Maybe you are 'naturally' a loving person. You can give love to your family and your friends and to the people in your life. But, who do you think can give you the ability to love and pray for an entire country? An entire nation? The whole world? Maybe you are a naturally gifted speaker. You hold motivational seminars across your country, state or region. Maybe you are even internationally known. Jesus was the greatest motivational speaker that ever lived. His fame is known throughout the entire world. There is no way you can reach and ultimately change people's hearts without the assistance of God. Yes, we are glib and we are persuasive, but do you really believe you can continue in the same vein for years on end and really make a difference with only the limited resources of your own strength and power? The power of God is limitless. So, we should absolutely follow His commandments, directives and laws, but only through Him. It may seem impossible to truly love everyone, but it is possible through Him. It may seem unconscionable to suggest that we go the second mile when someone forces us to go the first and to give them our coat as well, but all things are possible with God.

There are certainly standards of right and wrong that, as Christians, we are in agreement upon. There are also hundreds of other points (pre- and post-Rapture Christians, always saved or conditionally saved, etc., etc.) about which we do not agree. How then do we know what is right versus what is wrong? Only in Him. Only through a relationship with Him and His leadership and direction in your life. Only through a relationship with the Holy Spirit in which he teaches you what the bible really means and helps you to apply it to your own life. We can argue and debate the points of the bible until there is no more to be said, but some things will only be made clear through your relationship with God. Trust Him. Let Him guide you. And you will begin to live your life according to what the Lord considers to be His absolutes.


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Absolutes and the Bible (Part 1)

Are there any such things as absolutes? What does the bible tell us about them? Should we take the 10 commandments and the law literally? Read on, and re-work your understanding about what the Bible has to say about 'Absolutes'.

Who determines what's right and what's wrong? Is there an absolute standard to which we must adhere or is it just all just 'a matter of the heart'?

Who decides what's right and what's wrong? As a Christian, this answer is obvious - the Bible. But does the bible set absolute guidelines for us to follow or is it all just a matter of interpretation? We've all been in arguments with another Christian (though we know we shouldn't) who could find the right bible quote to defend any position he or she took. And, oftentimes, that bible-quoting Christian was us. And while it is great fun to find the perfect scripture to support our right or wrong argument, it doesn't help the cause of definitively interpreting what the bible has to say about a certain topic.

To make a long story short - there are few definite statements made by the bible. The viewpoints most of us hold on certain character or behavioral issues have evolved from a generally shared and accepted understanding of what the bible meant as opposed to what it literally says. And speaking of that 'literal' in literally -the bible has been translated a number of times. In the newer translations, both small and large changes in wording have occurred as compared to the original King James Version. Small changes in translations have resulted in us understanding descriptive language a little better or having a clearer definition of a word. Conversely, some newly translated passages have resulted in our understanding of a particular scripture being entirely changed. As a really quick example, think of the phrase 'be careful for nothing' as it is rendered in the King James Version of Philippians 4:6a. The first time you may have read it, you may have interpreted it as an admonishment to not be careful in all that you did. In the New International Version, it reads 'be anxious for nothing' (emphasis mine). How would you have known that 'careful' in this passage was more rightly translated to 'anxious' unless you looked this word up in a concordance? You wouldn't. So, not only do we have to deal with the scarcity of definitive statements of right and wrong in the bible, we have to accept and agree upon particular scriptures rendered as close to its original meaning as possible. In other words, we have to define what we know and know what we are defining. We have to ensure that we have the most accurate translation of the bible and then generally agree on the meaning of a particular passage or particular topical matter.

Sometimes it seems that the bible says something clearly and then takes pains to show instances in which that same commandment does not apply. Take for instance one of the 10 commandments - 'thou shalt not kill'. Seems pretty simple, right? Don't kill anyone. But then you see a number of instances where God is portrayed as instructing the Israelites to slaughter their enemies. We see David being rewarded for the murder of Goliath. We see Moses escaping punishment for killing an Egyptian overseer. God said don't kill, right? But who did He mean not to kill? Thou shalt not kill other Israelites? Thou shalt not kill other believers? Or thou shalt not kill unless otherwise instructed? If God 'gave' the Israelites the victories in their battles, does that mean He only condones killing in the context of war? Generally speaking, Christians hold the viewpoint that 'thou shalt not kill' means not to kill anyone except in cases of war. So, generally, that's what we all believe. But, of course, there are those who believe that killing in war is wrong and are known as 'conscientious objectors.' Who's right? The bible says 'thou shalt not kill', however, we understand that killing does happen as we see numerous instances of it in the bible. The bible also speaks on adultery and lying as being wrong, but we again see numerous instances of it in the bible, with the perpetrator at times being punished and at times getting off scot-free.

Then, there are other times the bible seems to say one thing about a subject and then become even more extreme on the subject at a later date. Another of the 10 commandments is 'thou shalt not commit adultery'. But in Matthew 5:27, Jesus told a crowd that they had all heard that they should not commit adultery, 'but I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart'. So, not only should you not commit adultery, you shouldn't even look at another person with lust in your heart! You do see instances in the bible of adultery and even of husbands taking second wives, but it is generally agreed upon in the Christian community that having sex with someone other than your spouse is wrong.

The bible is filled with many such examples of seemingly confusing directives, particularly when comparing the Old Testament with the New Testament. The Old Testament will say one thing about getting 'an eye for an eye' and Jesus will turn around and speak about forgiving your enemies and praying for those who mistreat you. The Old Testament is filled with stories of battle and war and the New Testament is filled with directives about forgiveness and living peaceably with others.

So, is there a standard of absolute wrong and absolute right? Of course, but it's not to be found in a list of commandments or directives. It is to be found in the attitude of your heart. In the Old Testament, the Israelites received a list of things to do and things not to do - the 'law'. The reason they were given the law was that they might know the difference between right and wrong. As in the instance of instructing a child, a child will not know it is 'wrong' to run around the house naked until someone tells him it is not appropriate. A child will not know it is 'wrong' to eat 10 cookies for dinner, because he doesn't have the ability to see that a handful of cookies will interfere with the digestion of a healthy dinner which will help him to grow up and become to be a strong young man. A child thinks as a child and is not able to formulate his thoughts as he will be once he has grown up.

This is how God initially dealt with the Israelites. He dealt with them as children. His children, but children nonetheless. What is the first thing you say to a child when he does something of which you don't approve? No. You keep your words plain and simple and easy for that child to understand. You punish where punishment is needed and you stick firm to not allowing that child to do certain things. As the child gets older, you allow him more freedom. He has learned the basics, understands that it is wrong to punch his sister when he can't get his way and that it is right to share his toys with others. The good behavior has been noted and rewarded and he anticipates happier times as he follows these simple directives. Through adolescence, the child is continuing to grow in understanding, going through periods of rebellion and trying to make out his own way in the world. It is a confusing time for the child as he struggles to incorporate his parent's worldview with the worldview of his peers. Stick to how he was raised or try to fit in with the crowd? He might try to do something he knows will not be approved of at home - staying out all night with the car. The punishment has changed in that he will not be spanked on the bottom or sent to 'time out', but he still receives punishment appropriate to his age and the circumstances surrounding the incident. Instead of taking away his favorite toy, his parents ground him for a week and refuse to allow him to watch television for that time. Again, the punishment fits the crime and brings the child back to the realization that there are rules to be followed. The child becomes a young adult and leaves the home. There, in the 'real' world, he begins to test his own boundaries. He learns that society punishes many of the same things his parents did - laziness, violence, taking the property of others. He learns that there are culturally acceptable methods and modes of behaviors and begins to model himself after those rules. As he gets older, he realizes the purpose of his parent's rules - to teach him the difference between right and wrong. He realizes those rules have equipped him to deal with the real world and that he can take those values and apply them to his every day life. He no longer needs his parent to monitor him and say 'no' - the rules are now written in his heart and mind. He has incorporated his parent's values with his own and, hopefully, goes even further in perpetuating the cycle of learning and growth.


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6/1/06

The Hazards of Unsolicited Advice

Is there anything worse than getting advice that you were not looking for? Is there anything worse than when some know-it-all not only forces you to listen to his or her unsolicited advice, but then becomes offended when you don't take it? Why do people offer us unasked for opinions, advice and the like? Or, more to the point, why do we do it to other people?

Maybe those who freely offer up bits of wisdom just can't seem to help themselves. It must be hard to keep quiet when you think you have just the right answer or a similar situation that you just know would greatly help someone else out. And isn't that what most people say when their advice is rejected - that they were only trying to help? Right.

Giving unsolicited advice does not usually help. For one thing, it is rarely, if ever, appreciated. No one ever says, 'gee, I'm so glad my boss took it upon herself to recommend I wear longer skirts.' No one's life is ever changed by someone telling them their hairstyle is old-fashioned or to buy an American car instead of a foreign car. Unsolicited advice usually gets one response and one response only - annoyance. At the advice giver! The annoyance is usually preceded by thoughts like, who does he think he is? Who died and left her boss? Why is he bothering me? And a mental litany of pleas to please, please, please leave that person alone.


For those repeat offenders, I offer my own unsolicited advice - stop! Unless God has given you a divine command to intervene in someone's life, don't! If you find yourself leading with statements like 'you need to...' or 'if I were you, I'd...', you are headed in the wrong direction. The person you are talking to needs to do no such thing, that person is not you and believe me, don't want to be because then he or she would be the person everyone else avoids because of their unwanted advice. Here's a reality check: you are not Ann Landers or Dear Abby or even Russ Parr in the morning. Yes, you may have a divine gift of insight and wisdom, but, unless a person is prepared to accept not only your authority but also your nose in his or her business, that person is not interested in what God has 'told' you. So, please - keep it to yourself.

I know you probably think you offer advice to other people because you sincerely want to help. But, be truthful with yourself - how many times have you given advice for that reason? Doesn't it more than likely indicate a lack of self-control or lack of validation on your own part that prompts you to seek the immediate gratification of being heard? But don't feel bad - you can help people. Just not the way you're going about it.

Here's a much better way to influence people - be the person you are always advising other people to be. Keep your appearance neat and be well-groomed, eat at nice restaurants, pray daily, be kind to small children and animals, call your mother at least once a week. And then people will seek you out to find out what your secret is. You won't have to speak so loudly to be heard, your life will speak for itself. Be a success at what you're good at. Then, you will no longer have to give a long discourse on how you would handle the problem or an in-depth discussion of how someone going through a similar divorce is handling the situation.

Here are some other good tips: Listen. Empathize. Be the friend to them that you'd like for to have if you were the person with the problem. Let your friend talk as long as he or she likes without giving that person the benefit of your opinion, your insights or your thoughts, unless they ask. In that case, give advice sparingly. One 'I think you should...' or 'this might work for you...' is enough. See how much advice your friend really wants before you give him or her the full report. Throw out some test questions like, 'would you like to know what I think?' And if your friend says no or seem hesitant, leave it alone. Have you ever noticed that most people seem to really just want someone to listen to thir problems as opposed to receiving a whole slew of advice. Practice nodding and saying 'hm-hmm' encouragingly. It'll get you a lot further and you will be more valued as a friend and commended as someone who knows the appropriate thing to say at the appropriate time.

And, always, always, always pray for your friends. Talk to God about what is going in their lives. Ask Him to show them His wisdom or His way. Ask Him to give them strength and guidance in their times of need. He may even make them more receptive to giving them advice or He may choose to enlighten them some other way. In either case, your job is to petition the Lord on their behalf. Let God lead on this one and you take the passenger seat.

And, if you truly happen to be one of those people who gives great advice, there's always hope for you! Start an advice column or write a book! There are a million people out there who could use good, sound advice. Share your gifts with others. Encourage others and help them to bring out the best in themselves! You will be much more appreciated once people recognize the value of your advice for themselves. Trust me.


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5/23/06

Conflict Resolution for Christians (Part 2)

Here's how to handle that conflict in your life:

Don't Let It Go Too Deep

Now that you are armed with the knowledge that you must expect conflict, that conflict is good, and that it's not about you, you are better prepared to deal with any conflict that comes your way. And, in that vein, you must also remember not to let any conflict get too far underneath your skin. After all, you know it's coming, you know it's not a reflection of how good or bad a person you are and you know that it is a good opportunity to clear the air, so try and face it with the most positive attitude of which you are capable. Truly be open to listening to what the other person is telling you. Be objective - be concerned, but don't let their words, their attitude or the actions cut into your own heart. It says in the Bible that you must guard your heart with good reason. In any conflict, you truly are fighting an enemy and that enemy is not the person engaging you in conversation. Our enemy is Satan and we don't fight him by being negative, harsh, retaliatory or angry. We fight him by being positive, thoughtful, careful and alert. That's why you must enter into the conversation, hear what the other person is saying, but never lose sight of who you are - a child of God.

You are Still Who You Are

It's important now for you to remember that you are a child of God because the enemy wants you to think of anything but that in the heat of an argument. He wants you to get angry and respond angrily to the person you are talking to. He wants to tear down and destroy your relationship, your friendship and, ultimately, your peace of mind. Think of the mileage he gets out of you when you get angry at someone, say hurtful things to another person, or bottle up your anger and resentment at that person on the inside. Stop it! Stop it right now! Remember that you are still the person you've always been - nothing anyone says or does to you will change that. Remember who you are and stand in it! You are not someone who points the finger at someone else or calls that other person names or walks around being unforgiving towards someone else (and if you are, that's what you need to work on next!) You are not the type of person who holds on to a grudge, puts someone down or gets easily offended. You are a child of God! Stand up Child of God and remember who you are!

Resolve, resolve, resolve!

After you have listened, after you have talked, and after you have taken time to understand that other person's point of view (and that person has hopefully understood yours) it's time to resolve, resolve, resolve! And before you point out what that other person did wrong, remember - it's not up that other person to make things better - it's up to you!

The Bible calls on anyone who has 'ought' against his brother to resolve that problem. And it also says be ye angry and sin not. In other words, it's not a sin to be angry, but it is a sin to engage in behavior that perpetuates that anger. The Bible also says that you are to forgive others as God has forgiven you. And, if you really feel like you have a right to stay angry, just take a moment to remember the hundreds of times you fell down, made mistakes or were rebellious and God forgave you. All the promises you made to God that you would do better and the hundreds or thousands of times you did not. You acted up, you were rebellious, you didn't do something God asked you to do, or you fell on your face, yet God forgave you. But, for some reason, today you think you have the right to stay mad at someone else. It doesn't work that way. And it's not about what's fair and what's not - it's about doing what God has asked you to do concerning conflict resolution. So, be obedient and do it! Resolve that problem, situation or argument. And, if you still have a problem with it, remember the benefits connected with such behavior - a continued relationship with that person, peace of mind, blessings from God, development of a Godly character and the development of more fruit of the spirit in your life.

So, the next time you find yourself in the midst of conflict, take a deep breath, listen and pause. Remember that you already expected conflict, that conflict is good, that it's not about you, that you are not going to let it go too deep, that you still are who you are and that you are going to take responsibility in resolving the dispute. Okay? Ready, set, resolve!


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Conflict Resolution for Christians (Part 1)

How do you handle conflict as a Christian? What are some good strategies to use to lessen the pain, drama and anger associated with them? Read on to find out how to handle the next conflict that makes an appearance in your life.

Conflict occurs for many reasons. Differences of opinions, miscommunication, daily stresses and the like. All very ordinary, every day reasons. But the fallout from conflict is anything but ordinary. Increased stress, poor health, aggravation, bad attitude and long-term resentment. You don't want that, right? So let's figure out how to navigate around those potential negative outcomes.

Expect Conflict!

First of all, you will be better prepared to handle conflict if you expect it! As my Pastor says, any time you have two people together, there will be conflict. So, it's not just a matter of if conflict will occur, but when it will occur. And now that you know it will be coming, you can prepare yourself! I mean, nobody likes conflict, but what will make it easier is your acceptance of the fact that it's inevitable. As Christians, and as human beings, we are all very different. We have different opinions, different ways of expressing ourselves, differences in leadership styles, abilities, aptitudes, moods and temperaments. While our differences can make us function stronger as a body, they also leave us open to the potential for conflict.

Conflict is Good!

Here is the good news about conflict - it's a good thing! Why is that, you ask? Because conflict helps us to clear the air. It forces us to iron out our differences and it can lead to a new or better understanding of a problem or a situation. Let's say you just got into an argument with your boss because he is giving you more work to do when you are already pulling double shifts trying to get the work you've already assigned to you done. You get angry at your boss and (professionally, of course), tell him why you think that it isn't fair. You let him know that you have been doing the work of two since one of your co-workers left and have also taken on additional responsibilities in another area. You talk it out with him and he ends up cutting down your workload by re-assigning some of your duties to another person. How did conflict help in this situation? By making your boss aware there was a problem. You were able to clear the air, get some relief and maintain your professional poise and sanity. Without the conflict, the situation would have continued just the way it was. You - overworked and resentful. Your boss - delegating and unaware. Conflict is a good thing.

It's Not About You!

The other good news about conflict is that the person with whom you are experiencing the conflict is not really mad at you! And though he or she says that you are the problem, you are in fact, not. Let me let you in on a little secret of what goes on in a person's head when that person reacts to something - that person is really mad at himself or herself, tired, overworked, stressed out, fearful, distrustful, fatigued, short-sighted or just unaware. A person getting upset with you is much more a reflection of who they are then who you are. Think about it - if you are having a great day in a great life in a great world, how likely are you to get mad at a driver who cuts you off in traffic? But, if you are having a lousy day, in a lousy week with a lousy home life, what do you think your response would be to that same situation? People who are really happy don't engage in unnecessary or spiteful conflict. It is those who are the most unhappy who take that unhappiness out on other people. And, as my Pastor always says, hurting people hurt people. It's as simple as that.

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5/21/06

Do Christians Get Depressed? (Part 2)

So, do Christians get depressed? Sure – but they don’t usually stay depressed. One thing is for certain – Christians will encounter many situations which will challenge their optimism. Jesus himself promised us ‘ …In the world you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer.’ (John 16:33 (MKJV). And why should we be of good cheer? Because Jesus also reminded us that ‘I have overcome the world’. In other words, there is no need for us to remain down or out (or even surprised by the frequency of our troubles), because Jesus has already solved any problems we will encounter. Yes, God does hear your cry when you are depressed, and will comfort and minister to you (as well as give you guidance), but, ultimately, our victory happened right there on Calvary when Jesus died on the cross for us. We can rest assured knowing that we will eventually come to a place where all trials and tribulations will be over, all tears will be wiped away and we will have eternal rest and peace with our Father. So that’s why we must recapture our joy when we're down and make a serious effort to remain in good spirits at all other times.

So what should you do if you find yourself in the throes of depression? Paul lays it out for us in Philippians 4:4-13. First, he tells us to let God know about our worries - through prayer and supplication. To make our requests known to God – with our thanks (for hearing, for responding, for whatever we can think of!). And then he promises us that peace will be ours. And to maintain that peace, he tells us to think on good things! Good things only. He says ‘….whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report, if [there be] any praise, think on these things.’ (KJV - emphasis mine)

This doesn’t mean you have to adopt a Pollyana view of the world – that nothing bad is going on or that you don’t have a good reason to be down. Instead, it means that you CHOOSE to maintain a positive attitude, knowing that God has it all under control. It means that you CHOOSE to let God deal with it instead of wrestling around with it in your own mind. And, finally it means you CHOOSE to believe God instead of all the rotten things that are going on around you. Paul last of all reminds us that we can do all things because Jesus strengthens us. So, it’s not a matter of relying on your own strength, but on the strength of the Almighty.

And He will never let you down.

So, don’t worry if you get depressed (occasionally) - just try your best not to stay depressed. Remember that God hears your prayers (and will respond) and that His peace will keep you through it all – if you let Him. So think good thoughts, turn your cares over to Him and choose to believe in God’s word instead of the world.

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Do Christians Get Depressed? (Part 1)

What does the Bible say about depression? Is it okay to be a Christian and still get depressed? And what exactly is depression, anyway?

First, what exactly is depression? WebMD defines it as ‘A clinical mood disorder associated with low mood or loss of interest and other symptoms that prevent a person from leading a normal life.’ Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary has an even more eye-opening definition: ‘a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies’. And if that doesn’t make it clear, I don’t know what does!

So, do Christians get depressed? The short answer to that is – Yes. The Bible is filled with a lot of people who got depressed! The prophet Elijah experienced his own depression very shortly after experiencing a major victory with God. Elijah held a competition – himself against 450 prophets of Baal! – to prove the might of God. After a lot of storm and drama, God proved Himself to be the Only True God and Elijah experienced a major personal victory. The queen at the time -Jezebel - was very unhappy about this and threatened Elijah’s life. Elijah became frightened and ran for his life. After coming to the end of his (physical) rope (in the wilderness), he stopped and started to feel very badly for himself. 1 Kings 19:4 says Elijah, ‘….begged for his life, that he might die. And he said, It is enough, O LORD, take away my life. For I am no better than my fathers.’ (MKJV). Elijah was definitely depressed (the entire story can be read in 1 Kings 19:1-18).

Even one of Israelite’s Great Deliverers, Joshua the Son of Nun, experienced a down time. Joshua had led the Israelites to a resounding victory against Jericho. The Israelites then went to war against Ai and experienced a bitter defeat. Joshua 7:6-7 says ‘And Joshua tore his clothes and fell to the earth on his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide, he and the elders of Israel, and put dust on their heads. And Joshua said, Alas, O Lord God, why have You at all brought this people over Jordan to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites, to destroy us? And, oh that we had been content and lived on the other side of Jordan!’ (MKJV). Joshua was a very unhappy man.

What I find most interesting about these situations, however, is how God responded to Elijah and Joshua. God sent an angel to minister to Elijah after he’d stopped in the wilderness, who provided him with food encouraged him to eat and drink. Elijah then took a 40-day journey to Mt. Horeb where God Himself spoke to him. God asked Elijah ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?’ (1 Kings 19:9 MKJV) and Elijah has this pity party where he tells God how he had been zealous for Him and Elijah was now the only prophet left and how they were trying to kill him! God gave Elijah instructions to carry out and then promptly informed him, ‘Yet I have left seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed to Baal...’(1 Kings 19:18 MKJV). In other words, that Elijah had no business being depressed because he was not, in fact, the only prophet of God left. He also got the opportunity to speak to God one-on-one, as God passed by him and spoke to him in a still, small voice.

God had a different response for Joshua. Joshua 7:10 says, ‘And the LORD said to Joshua, Get up! Why do you lie on your face this way?’ (MKJV). God explained to Joshua that the Israelites had been defeated because they had sinned against Him. But that now, it was time to Get Up!, fix the problem and return to their warfare against the people of Ai.

What is reassuring about both of these situations is not only the fact that God heard Elijah’s and Joshua’s cries to Him, but that He responded. He met them right where they were and gave them hope and instructions for how to carry on. He didn’t leave them in the middle of their hopelessness – He took control and gave them a renewed sense of purpose and direction.


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5/19/06

Spirituality Improves Blood Pressure and Mental Health

I ran across two really great articles on WebMD today. The first article demonstrated a strong link between level of spiritual activity and lowered blood pressure. The study focused on a group of 5,300 African-Americans (who are at greater risk for high blood pressure). The article said:
The study, the largest on the topic in blacks to date, showed that people who were involved in religious activities had significantly lower blood pressure than people who were not.
Even better, spiritual activity seemed to play a role in lowering stress as well:
Another noteworthy finding was that people who engaged in religious activities had lower levels of cortisol, a biological marker of stress, Wyatt tells WebMD.

A second article, entitled "Going to Church May Improve Mental Health", said:
A new survey of nearly 37,000 men and women shows that people who regularly attend church, synagogue, or other religious services are less likely to suffer from depression and other psychiatric illnesses than those who don't.
And, the more you go, the better off you are!

So, if you need a new reason to pray or go to church - now you have it! Seek God, spend time with Him, pray daily and go to church weekly. Your blood pressure and you mental health will thank you!

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5/16/06

How to Stop Thinking Too Much

Matthew 6:25-27 (NIV)

25. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? 26. Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27. Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

How much time do you spend over-thinking? I know - we don’t like to think of it that way. We call it analyzing, meditating, ‘figuring things out’ and other euphemisms that cover up what we are really doing: thinking too much. How do you know when you’ve over-thought something? Here are some signs – 1. You can’t get that problem or situation out of your mind; 2. As much thought as you’ve given to it, it still does not make sense to you or 3. You still haven’t figured out what to do. If you find yourself experiencing any of these things, you have probably given something way too much thought.

Why do we do it? God equipped us with minds because we need to be able to ‘figure out' some things for ourselves. Our minds were meant to be the logical conduit that connected spirit to body. Our spirits know, our minds think and our bodies act. But many times we find that our mind is trying to control this triumvirate. We may pray about some things, but we think about all things. Somewhere, in the back of our minds, we are convinced that if we spend enough time problem-solving and analyzing, we will figure it all out. Well, let me set your mind at rest about one thing at least: YOU WILL NEVER HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT. So stop trying. Now take a deep breath. Rest your mind. And get ready to move on.

We will never have it all figured out, simply because God did not make the world, in all its many implications and variations, easy enough for you or me to ‘figure out’. There is only one All-Knowing, All-Wise, All-Seeing One and I’ll give you a hint who that is: it isn't you or me. But this is not cause for despair. As a matter of fact, you should start rejoicing and rejoice now! Because the weight of the world is really not on your shoulders, you don’t have to have all the answers so you can be free of all your needless worry and thought!

Once you’ve accepted that fact, you’re ready to let all that responsibility go and use your mind for the purpose for which it was intended: to think, but within reason. When you encounter a problem, you should always pray. And you can give it some thought. You can ponder for a while why it happened, what it meant to you, what you learned from it and decide whether or not you can do something about it. If you can do something about it, do it. If you cannot, then pray some more about it, then let it go (to God)! Then move on with your life. And don’t be discouraged if that same problem re-appears – this ‘letting go’ process might be ongoing - until you get the hang of it. If a problem re-appears in your mind, let it go again and then STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. And the best way to stop thinking about something is to start thinking about something else.

So think about the good things in your life. Think about the things for which you are grateful. Allow your thoughts to wander to some of the more pleasant experiences of your life. Thank God for those moments and then recall them in detail. Linger over each moment, savoring it as if it just happened. Now take a look around you right now. What do you have to be happy about right now? It may take a minute of thinking, but then you might recall that, while you are not happy with your job, it’s kept you in Gucci and Prada, so it’s a good thing that your bills are being paid. Or you can recall your gratitude that your parents still take such an interest in your life (instead of complaining that they call way too much). Or you can think about how you woke up this morning and that migraine you were battling last night finally went away. Or, you can find contentment in the fact that, though your problems still exist, you are here another day to get it right, make amends or make it better. And how great that is.

So stop over-thinking! Think something through once, not twice, three times or all night long. Move on with your life and allow the beauty of it all make those problems, situations or circumstances just fade into the background.

And trust in God for all things....



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5/14/06

How to Stop Being Judgmental (Part 2)

This insight, though humbling, was also enlightening. I discovered that I had some nasty perfectionistic tendencies and that these were not only crippling me, but hindering my friendships as well. Who wanted to be friends with a judgmental know-it-all? Not many people, believe me. However, in the final analysis, discovering I was as flawed as I was actually liberating! By acknowledging to myself that I was less than perfect, it gave me the freedom to be less harsh on myself and on others. I realized that it had been hard work all those years to be everybody’s critic. And I realized most of my criticism was simply a cover-up for the flaws within myself that I so desperately wanted to hide from other people. Better to point out other people’s mishaps or lapses in judgment than to be called out for being the imperfect being that I was.

So how did I get over being judgemental? Through reminding myself daily of the downfalls of being judgmental – it was not Christ-like, it was unseemly and it made me a more unpleasant person to be around. And then I taught myself some effective strategies to avoid passing judgement on others. First, I took my eyes off people and put it back where it belonged – on God. Sometimes, during church service (a cornucopia of human faults and fashion mistakes), I would literally force myself to stare at the ceilings, the windows or the balcony until I could bring my attention away from people and back to the service. I stopped scanning the audience to see who was wearing what or who was sitting with whom (admit it – you do it, too!). And then I learned how to stop talking about people – I just stopped! I would be in a conversation with a friend about a mutual friend and the minute he or she would say something like, ‘did you see that guy she brought to church?’ I would stop the conversation. I would pause, say, hmm and change the topic. I refused to let something negative or judgmental come out of my mouth. As a final countermeasure to the random judgmental thoughts that would come into my head, I learned how to think positive things about people! I would see a woman on the street and think what a lovely color dress she was wearing. Or I would see a man cutting me off on the freeway and think, what a nice car he’s driving (okay, I don’t really think that, but at least I stopped mentally blessing him out!). And it worked. The more I trained my mind and mouth to do better, the better they did!

You too can follow my program and get better results out of your friendships and conversations! And, as an extra incentive, by not being so quick to voice your opinion, you can avoid the ‘foot-in-mouth’ syndrome. This is where you spend five minutes talking about someone and then spend five hours apologizing to that person because your conversation leaked out! And, by learning how to think positively about other people, you will actually start to feel more positive about other people. Your perception is truly defined by what you think. If, every time you see a little old granny in the slow lane driving a 1980 Buick, you think, ‘she’s too old to be driving’, you will forever hold grannies in Buicks in low regard. But, if you instead think about how brave she is for taking on the onerous drivers on the road, you will position yourself to be kinder to her and have compassion for her slower reflex times or decreased ability to see you swerving across the freeway to avoid getting stuck behind her. And, as a final bonus to becoming less judgmental, you will attract people who are less judgmental as well! Suddenly, your friends will be more positive, your family will be more positive and, if you ever get out of line and revert back to your old ways, you will always have someone around to correct you!

Try it and see for yourself....


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How to Stop Being Judgmental (Part 1)

I try very hard not to be judgmental. I try very hard not to notice the many foibles, idiosyncrasies and chosen pastimes of my fellow man. Like the gal I knew whose dog went to therapy to help tame his ‘aggressive tendencies.’ Apparently, Fido missed his mommy who had to go out and work every day. So, while she was gone, he would attack the other dog, bite into furniture and generally be disagreeable. To remedy this, my friend took her dog to therapy where Fido was prescribed Prozac. That’s, right, Therapy. And Prozac! For a dog.

I try very hard not to be judgmental (did I mention that?), so, when she told me her story, I diligently tried to sympathize. I tried to see it from her dog’s point of view. I thought about how attached her dog obviously was to her and how it must be breaking his doggy heart to be parted each day from his master. I tried to see it from my friend’s point of view. I thought about the cost and worry my friend had to bear in order to get her dog the help he so desperately needed. And, when I finally could find no other point of view with which to sympathize, I settled on my own. I thought, ‘This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!’ A dog. On Prozac. And then I proceeded to share her story with friends, family members and strangers at the airport. My story would always end with ‘some people are way too attached to their pets.’

Funny? Yes. Christ-like? No. I told this story and other embarrassing stories about my friends so often, that I finally had to confront myself. What the heck was I doing? Why did I think it was okay to sit in judgment of other people? Sure, I had half-heartedly attempted to sympathize with this friend and others, but, in the final analysis, some part of my brain told me I had the right to pass judgment on them and their behavior. And I chose to listen to this voice instead of doing what I knew to be right – saying nothing and feeling true compassion for my friends. I confronted myself and realized that I needed to change. So I made it my mission to, first, find out why I was doing and second, make myself stop.

Number one, why was I doing it? I knew what the Bible said. Jesus said in Matthew 7:1 “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” So, clearly, as a Christian, I should not judge other people. And, then, to drive his point home, Jesus went on to say “For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” So, not only was it wrong for me to judge other people, but those other people would judge me just as harshly. Bummer, I thought. But I persevered. I pondered long and hard about why I kept doing it. Knowing it was wrong and knowing the consequences hadn’t been enough – there had to be some other reason why.

After several days spend in deep soul searching and prayer, I finally figured it out. I realized that the reason I judged other people so harshly was because I judged everything harshly. I realized that nothing ever lived up to my expectations. Not just other people’s behavior, but my own behavior, work policies, the car I drove, my writing attempts, the cost of living going up every year. Whatever. Whatever it was or whatever it concerned, I was not happy about it! And I finally realized that judging other people was really just a symptom of a much deeper problem with me – my overly critical nature.



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5/10/06

How to Get Through A Bad Day (Part 2)

Go ahead and dwell on all the things that are going wrong. Yes, normally, it's good not to think too long or too hard about all that is 'wrong' with your life, but sometimes bad things have to be faced. Perhaps you've been avoiding dealing with certain issues, which is why they've come back to haunt you now. Maybe you're lousy with money or have financially bitten off more than you can chew. Review your finances. Find out why your lights are always in danger of being cut off or your mortgage payment has been 30 days past due for the last year. No, it's not easy to face it, but you'll feel much better when it's said and done. Hunker down and come up with a budget to pay down some bills. Realize when you need to just say no. Say no to shopping sprees. Say no to a new car. Say no to your current job. Recognize where you are and what you can do to get out of that financial hole.

Maybe the problem misery came as a result of problems you have with your ex-spouse or ex-lover and the children the two of you share. Call you ex and come up with a firm visitation schedule for your children so you won't have to be solely responsible for them in case of emergencies. Make sure your financial arrangements with him or her are what they should be and that they are taking equal responsibility in picking the kids up or taking the kids to certain activities. And if that ex won't cooperate with your efforts to negotiate, cut them out of your thinking. Say, yes, he or she is a bad egg, and resolve to make the best of things with as little of his or her help as needed. And move on with your life.

Go ahead and think long and hard all those people that have done you wrong. Perhaps it takes just such a rotten, miserable day to realize the people you thought were your friends really are not. Remember all the things you did for them and the few or paltry things they did for you in return. Remember all the negative, ugly nasty things that person said about you (behind your back no less). And then recognize your need for distance from that person. Realize they have been poisoning your life. And let them go.

Think long and hard about all the bad things that have brought you to this day. Who did what, what you did wrong, what you don't want to or have refused to confront, etc., etc. Cry if you need to. Get mad if you need to. And then make efforts to change those things that you can. Accept the things that you cannot. And live with all the rest.

If need be, call off work and stay home with a good cup of tea or the remains of the cake from your son's birthday party. It's okay to indulge in your bad habits for one day (as long as they are not life-threatening or harmful to yourself or another person). It's okay to take one day or one week or one month to be with yourself. Your boss will find some way of getting along without you, your friends will support you in and your spouse will love you enough to give you what you need. Let yourself be 'down' for a little while. Allow yourself to get good and 'depressed.' Have a pity party. Think of all the bad, horrible, rotten, unfair things that you normally put away somewhere in your subconscious. Take out your anger on hitting a few pillows. Call a good friend and rant and rave for an hour or two. Stay still and listen to your inner voice reminding you of all those things you'd rather not think about. Allow your emotions free reign. Temporarily. And if you find that you cannot spend one day out of a month facing bad things and that it extends to days, weeks or months, you may need to seek professional help. And that's okay, too.

The reason it is okay to be 'down' temporarily is that it helps to remind you of a simple truth - most bad days are the result of bad months, bad years, bad choices and bad situations. And being down is a good time to acknowledge that truth. Sometimes you see more clearly in the midst of pain than at any other time. Most 'bad' days are not the result of any great mystery - there is usually a sound and concrete reason why this day is the day to end all bad days. You find that you haven't been getting enough sleep. Your eating habits have been lousy. You have a terrible temper and you've taken it out on one too many people in the last few days. You are terrible with your finances. Your kids really are out of control. You are out of control. You stay out too late. You go to bed too early. Something, somewhere in your life has gone out of whack and you need to fix it. Ignore these signals your body and mind are sending to you on these 'bad' days and miss out on some important clues about your life. Your body and your mind are trying to tell you something. Are you listening?

Through all of these ups and downs and times of discovery - pray. Talk to God. Yes, I know you don't feel like praying (who does, on these types of days?), but it's important. And I'm not talking about a 'hallowed be Thy name' type prayer. I'm talking about real prayer. Where you tell God exactly how you feel, no holds barred. Even if you only want to tell Him what a lousy day you are having. Or complain about your kids. Or question why you must go through this. Talk to Him. He's heard it all before and He does not condemn you for it. He welcomes open dialogue. He tells the Israelites 'Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: thought your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; thought they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.' in Isaiah 1:18. Surely, He can have a conversation with you when you need to get a few things off your chest. He understands what you are going through. He made you after all, He knows exactly how you work. And remember - Jesus came and suffered as we did, as a man. He's felt what you have felt. He's been through what you are going through. He can relate. And he is right there on at the right hand of God intervening for us, talking to God about us. Talk to God. Be honest about your feelings. It will help you immensely.

Remember - this too shall pass. Maybe not today and maybe not even next week, but eventually. Recognize that most bad days are the result of other 'bad' things in our lives that need to be corrected. And some bad days just are. In either case, you will get through it. Tomorrow is coming and this day will soon be just one more memory in the life that you make for yourself.

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How to Get Through a Bad Day (Part 1)

No matter how hard we try to make them otherwise, some days are just awful. They start off bad, they never get any better, and they end on a low and sometimes even gloomier note. These days befuddle your mind, waste your finite resources and throw your calendar off.

Some people call the state of mind accompanying this day 'depression' or are content to simply think of it as 'having a bad day'. Sometimes there are logical explanations - you failed to get a good night's sleep, or you're going through difficulties, problems, or are in the midst of a bad situation. Sometimes the root of your bad day can be found in a negative morning experience - you just had an argument with your spouse or one of your kids. Mostly, though, these days seem to strike at will and we don't understand how or why they have entered our lives.

What do you do at these times? How do you handle the 'bad' days? What are good strategies to make these days go away or, at the very least, lessen the pain, confusion and drama associated with them?

It is true that some days seemed destined to go wrong from the very beginning. We wake up in a lousy mood, we go to the bathroom and discover we are out of toothpaste. Our son or daughter has eaten the last of our favorite breakfast cereal. We're late to work because the dog got loose. Our kids forgot to tell us that today they are to be dropped off at a different location to go on a school trip. Someone is sick. You are sick. You are sick of your job. Your car isn't acting right. Your mother isn't acting right. Your boss is getting on your nerves. Your co-workers are talking too loudly. No one around there wants to do a full day's work. Too many people are doing a full day's work.

Your mate has left you. You have left your mate. You don't know where the money will come from to pay your bills. You can't keep track of how many bills you need to pay. You need to run 20 different errands, but your boss won't let you take an extended lunch hour. You need to speak with your boss, but she has taken a two hour lunch. You are dealing with the death of a loved one. You are dealing with the death of your identity as a young person or as a single person. Life has changed. You have changed. And the numerous problems, obligations and responsibilities you will face in a given day are doing nothing to make the situation better.

The key to dealing with this kind of day (or week or month) is to remember that it's only temporary. No matter how bad it is, it will eventually be over. You will eventually get the money to turn the lights back on, your boss will eventually return from her lunch, you will eventually get used to being newly single. And, no matter how annoyed or frustrated you are at a given moment, that too will pass. The problem will remedy itself, your moodiness will take its leave and life will return to normal. Even if you are dealing with an ongoing problem, remember, soon, it will be over! It may not seem like it, you may not be able to see any light at the end of any tunnel, you may feel like your life is one big mess, and that this problem will never end, but none of these things is true. This problem, too, at some point or another, will pass.

Though this day or this week has been terrible, the problem itself is only temporary. And, for a temporary problem, you need a temporary remedy. It does you no good to hear you should 'be of good cheer' when there is no internal cheer to be found. It's no point in pretending to be sitting on top of the world when you are in fact at the bottom of a ditch. When you feel down, you need to find something to address that feeling, right then.

We all know the prescription for a healthy life - pray, eat healthy foods, exercise, maintain a good weight, etc., etc. We probably know the calorie or carbohydrate count for all our favorite foods and can all quote the recommended 30 minutes of daily exercise that we are supposed to be getting. These, however, are long-term solutions to your mental, spiritual and physical health. Right now you need something that will get you through right now. Today. With the hope that tomorrow will be better.

Today you feel miserable. Today you can't remember why you got married, why you got divorced, why you had kids, why you put off having kids, why you quit your job, how you can stand to be at your job for one more minute, etc., etc. Today you have had enough. None of your positive affirmations are working - you feel more like the tail than the head, none of your friends are bothering to answer your phone calls and those that do are not helping your problems one bit. None of your positive thinking has helped, none of your scripture quoting has brought you relief, that pretty new dress you bought doesn't fit because you've gained five pounds, the car you thought so much of needs a very expensive repair, the lights are off, the water company is leaving threatening messages and your credit cards are maxed out. In other words, all the things and people you normally rely upon to bring you up are bringing you down. Here's what you do.

Have that pint of ice cream. The body is seeking chemical remedy to its feeling 'down'. Your body knows, and you instinctively know, that that ice cream cone, cookie, brownie or bag of potato chips will cause a sugar rush which will help you temporarily feel 'up.' For that moment, at least, you will feel better and that may be all you need to get through that hour or that moment of need.

Watch that sad, old tear-jerker of a movie and cry, cry, cry. You probably have been bottling up your emotions anyway. You'll feel much better after crying over Lana Turner's remorse over not acknowledging her mother in 'Imitation of Life' or Michelle Pfieffer's loss of Robert Redford in 'Up Close and Personal.' Release is a wonderful thing and your body will appreciate its opportunity to vent some repressed emotion.

Go ahead and lay in bed all day. You were probably tired anyway and too busy 'multi-tasking' to notice. Your body is a finely tuned instrument that needs fine care and attention. How have you been treating yourself lately?



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